Feeling defeated

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When your ego is hurt. I’m not a person that needs to be right, I’m not necessarily stubborn or want my ego to get its way all the time. I usually don’t let my ego demand much of my life (or I try). It wants to invite itself to my daily life everyday but I need to filter when my ego is allowed to visit. Sounds extreme but my brain works in weird ways. I see things logically and for me, my ego doesn’t always use logic.

Anyhow I don’t believe in anyone being superior or dictate someone else’s life. I’m strictly allergic to people who try do that and I rather cut them off than follow their demands. It doesn’t matter who it is, but also I do tie myself a bit when it comes to certain scenarios i.e. work – professional environments. Although it does kill me, my bones ache and I don’t feel good. My body is not feeling good. Why? Because I’m lying to myself and I’m taking demands I don’t believe in. I think I had enough when I was a kid, back in Ecuador you got whipped if you responded to the teacher, if you didn’t do your home work correctly or if you didn’t bring it. All this respect the elder people, respect them and don’t talk back. Honestly, I don’t agree with lower respect because you are a kid or underaged. Excuse me? People always ask me; how you gonna raise your kids? And it makes me wonder? Like do I have to be nasty and stupid and disrespect my kids in order to make them listen or if not make them scared of their own mother? No. I had that child hood and even though I was scared I still never took shit. I’m not any less than a grown ass person.

So, a quick aggressive insight of why I may be this way. I don’t believe in hierarchy, specially not that I’m older. And now I’m dealing with this trying to be grown up and accept the fact that people are assholes. I’m sorry but we are.

People will push boundaries to see how much you can take, lately I have been tested like never before. I keep my calm but today regardless me keeping myself in peace. I still felt defeated. I still felt a bit like crying. I felt a bit like I couldn’t do Shit without being draw out. The case is not as deep as I make it sound like. I usually tackle things like this with no problems. Today, different story. Could it be that I’m due my period soon? And I feel extra sensitive? Yes I believe so. Although, feeling this way even though I’m due my period is not an excuse really. Why do I even feel defeated by certain things? Certain situations? Reality is that people go through their own miserable thoughts in their head and act towards you because they are frustrated. Imagine if all people act that way just because we are frustrated? Well, we are not far off.

Anyhow, I like to analyse WHY I feel certain way. I usually send message to Craig or one of my best friends and just vent. I let them know what made me feel defeated and why. Doing this way, and showing my vulnerability to the people who cares for me, it has created a better understanding for the person I’m. Even for myself, to just understand myself better. To tackle this type of situations a bit easier in the future. I let people and situations push me to the edge, but if I’m not careful not push to the edge could be a huge backfire for the other person. I don’t gain anything with revenge or being nasty back. I gain more by being quite and let karma deal with that is needed to be dealt with.

I have one of those days when you just feel defeated no matter what. Another thought of mine was : is it because I didn’t get the approach I wanted earlier? I rather over analysed than blame people for making me feel this way. It is not their problem, and their frustrations isn’t my problem. I can only be responsible for how I take it, for how I process it, how I respond back and how I move forward from it.

It is tough to try to be nice and decent in a world full of broken egos.

The way I feel defeated is more like: what the fuck! Like why can’t shit just go smooth and let me just breath out and be. Reality is also that this isn’t deep at all, but it makes me wonder how much my ego lives inside of me. How deep rooted it must be for me to feel this ways so easily by nothing?

How do you guys deal with your ego? How do you approach your ego? How to calm it down?

I ask myself questions but I also write a lot. In order to find an answer to relax the mind and the defeated ego. My ego doesn’t make me move forward and therefore I refuse to feed it.

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