I have always believed in the need of letting it all out, verbally, written, physically or in any way that heals us from the inside. By this stage many know my resentment towards Sweden, the country I have constantly blamed for how I have felt. I have felt angry, hatred and disgust and every time someone mention Sweden it gave me goosebumps. I felt I’m done with you and all that comes with it. I have regardless visited Sweden and forced myself to be there because like everyone says: you grow up here? Yes but is it healthy go through the uncomfortable just because it is a place where I grow up? Well my feelings towards Sweden had to do with blame, I blame how naive I was, how I was this and what I went through. But I haven’t gone through more or less than any of my friends? We were all together in the deep rooted need of being there for one another. We had divorced parents, school grades we were unhappy with, parents who maybe weren’t there for us, a couple of us lost our fathers. The only difference between me and my friends was, I came from a different country where I created a life during 10 years prio to Sweden. My mother tongue is Spanish, my culture is Latino, my ways of being were different. By the end of the day, I was a teenager and failed like we all did. It was a part of life isn’t it? I have honestly pushed it away and force myself to believe that a country could take something from me? It didn’t take anything; it just gave me more tools to be unhappy with like a typical teenager. Did my parents do a bad job? No they did as much as they knew and know. Our parents, they are gold and above and beyond. We wouldn’t deal with life like we manage today if we didn’t have them in our lives. We can’t blame our parents or ourselves, it is life.
So here Am I and finally found closure, finally found the urge to come back very soon. Finally I’m leaving in peace and happy. Happy because I spend time with the most important people in my life. The people that is the reason I’m moving, honestly.
The negative view I have had had been bad, how much I have felt proper down in Sweden and like something is missing. What is missing is my attitude to welcome it and accept it as it is.
Sitting on the bus now, on my way to the airport and seeing all green land, the beautiful sky and the fresh air outside. It is beautiful it is bliss. I understand why people enjoy being here. It has taken me 6 years and more to find it satisfying and fun to be here. I think that also comes with boundaries, how I have allowed my energy to be taken and myself to be taken. I’m positive and want to be free from pressure – I have taken the pressure off by accepting things as they are. sometimes you have to surrender and accept it.
When you surrender, it is fucking hard. It is hard because it is like letting go a piece of yourself, your personality – the person you are. Let’s take an example of my latest healing process, it was quite hard to start 2020. It felt like proper growing pains, leaving all behind, trying to accept, trying to continue to accept the person I’m and becoming. Accept that life isn’t fair. Accept that life isn’t fair? Hold on, I’m a libra how is that gonna be possible? I live like this. It gave me belly ache, removing ways of yourself because they do not work anymore and they don’t take you as far as you would like to go. It has become stressful to always stand up for myself, for details for this and that or them. It has cost me time, energy, jobs and effort. There are time I’m proud of that side of me, and I’m glad I have that. I’m glad I’m not letting people take the piss. Even my cousins in Ecuador had said to my mum: Maria is strict and straight forward.
Does it always work to be equal or to try to demand equality? No not always. This happened all January, I was analysing and feeling it. How does it feel to stop reacting to all unfairness every time? It is life – life isn’t fair. It is fucking not. All I can say is that, I’m balancing it or try to see how I’m gonna balance it in present and future. This characteristic trace I have, isn’t with me for no reason. You don’t have a hard core way of being for no reason, it is either trying to teach you or regardless it is a tool for life. Depends how you use it. And here I’m now learning that. We have to learn in life that not everyone is waiting for you to fall. The only person that you will ever disappoint is yourself. So whatever job you do with yourself , that is between you and you.
I have finally taken myself as the only person responsible for any actions taken in my life. And there is where I let go of Sweden but I embrace it with open arms, and say thank you for giving me comfort, a life, friends for life, a home, school, possibilities, memories, trips, laughter, drunken nights, lost nights, too many hangover days, my own little flat, a chance to try university for free.
It wasn’t fair always, but that was life. And I would never go back and change it. Ever. I feel emotionally because this time I felt more grounded and thankful.
Once you have accepted who you are in life, who you becoming and how your life today isn’t the same as it was ten years ago. Your boundaries changes, you no longer tolerate what once was, you respect yourself and unfortunately not everyone is ready for the new grown ass person you are creating. It scares many, but this is how life goes. We move on, we change and we change for only ourselves. No one else.
Oh well, this was one of the most peaceful post I have written about Sweden. I feel done having remorse and resentment towards Sweden, I feel like I can finally go back to sweden again and enjoy it with new eyes, new positive energy and perspective. I didn’t know Sweden was the “person” I needed to dedicated a letter to. But doing that, it helped me to let go of ALOT.
Write a letter, to a place, person, or something you feel strong feelings for. Either positive or negative ones. Let it out?